Too many tears, so… here’s to new beginnings

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Where to start?

Bare with me, this may be a long read…

It’s been a long long spring/summer. A lot has happened and life has changed. There’s been so much sadness for me and my hubby the last several months. I have avoided blogging because so much has happened and I’ve been unsure what direction life would take me in and I needed to hit the pause button.

Back tracking, we made a big move from Virginia to New Jersey for my hubby’s job. He had a change of position. One we thought would be a good one, or at least a chill one giving us the time we needed to spend with his family in New Jersey. To say the move so far has been hell would be accurate. At least we had one big bright shining spot that at least dulled the ache we had/have in our hearts.

Those that follow my blog know how much our furkids meant to us. They are family, our kids. We used to have a fur family of 4 cats and one spoiled Chihuahua. We lost our cats Odin and Buster a few years ago. They were similar in age and passed away within a year of each other. They did live good long lives filled with more love than they could handle. And we lost our Chihuahua to cancer shortly after that. Once again in similar age group for their breeds and size. I was devastated. Buster had been my cat for 22 years, Odin was nothing but love and our Chihuahua, Ippo was my savior as a waded through some depression. She also was 5lbs of pure love and devotion to me. She healed my broken heart when we lost Buster. This left Tinka Belle and Loki. They were a few years younger than Buster and Odin and we felt we owed it to them to let them run the house and not adopt anyone new. We wanted to focus on giving them all the attention. They always seemed to be stuck playing second fiddle to the other three and we wanted them to be the spoiled ones.

We moved in December and since then, both Tinka and Loki have crossed the rainbow bridge to be with the rest of the clowder/pack (our family of furkids). Both it is believed had cancer as well.

And in between the two of them, another devastation.
You know that rule of three thing?
Yeah.
My sister passed away.

Tinka passed in April
My sister passed in June
Loki passed in August

 

Huge chunks of my world crashed.
Too much loss, too close together.

And somewhere in the middle of all this chaos, we found volunteer positions that was inspiring all sorts of plans and goals for me. I felt alive with new possibility and a bit of the heaviness of my heart was lifted. Helping wildlife. Helping sick, orphaned and injured animals to rehabilitate to be release back into the wild after they healed. I found hope in all their little faces. It’s inspired me to perhaps get more involved and go back to school for wildlife rehabilitation. And I am still inspired, but…

We had to leave the volunteer positions because of time issues and Loki getting sicker. The positions required us very few call off days and we exceeded, or new we would exceed this with Loki’s declining health. They only need volunteers through the summer months. So we plan to go back next summer. It’s one of the most fulfilling things I have ever experienced.  But meanwhile, something that was helping to heal my heart, was lost.

You still with me?

So there was a light in this deep dark tunnel. And it wasn’t a light for me, but it was and is a light that affects me. Because me isn’t just me, it’s we. Yeah, the hubby found a little light in the midst of all the loss and sadness.

When we moved to New Jersey he/we had a big goal and that was that he would try to get a promotion at work that’s he’s been working so hard to get. And I’ve suffered for this too, through missing him through some long hours he puts in.

And yayyyyy, he’s getting that promotion on Friday!!

We needed this. We needed something good to happen. Between vet bills and an unexpected trip to Ohio for my sister, we needed this!! This promotion may lead us in some new directions and eventually another location change. But it’s opening up a new chapter in our lives. I wished that our furkids were here to celebrate with us. I wish I could call my sis to tell her the big news. But life moves forward and is ever changing. And somehow we learn how to survive and how to cope and build new dreams while keeping those we’ve lost safe in our hearts while we heal.

Oh, and yeah we do plan on adopting another furbaby at some point. One for now, some time soon. We are having the marital debate of; cat or dog first. I keep floating back and forth. I’ve had a cat my entire adult life, so it’s odd not having that aloof presence in my life. He (the hubby), thinks I need a dog first. He thinks a dog will help mend my broken heart just that little bit quicker with a dog.

I’ve been looking at kittens and Chihuahuas & Yorkies.
He (the hubby) has been looking at Italian Greyhounds and Border Collies.
All on Petfinder right now. We eventually will brave the shelters.
We want a younger one. I’ve always adopted the older and sometimes sick ones. I can’t purposefully walk back into that fire yet. ps….

Adopt Don’t Shop 😻

 

I’m not an Arbonne Independent Consultant anymore either. I’m not a hater though. I just don’t use their products very much. I’ve found others that work better and less expensive that I’m happy with. I’m thinking of dabbling in the essential oils business because those I use allllllllll the time. Personally and professionally. So it’s a better fit for my business goals. But more about that in a few months.  I’m still “technically” a consultant and can answer any questions you have or help you navigate the website. But that’s only till April.

As far as the blog is concerned. I’m back, sort of.
I want to do some blog housecleaning first. But I’m back and hope to start reading your blogs again over the next few weeks. So hello again and here’s to new beginnings 🌅

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September is National Suicide Prevention Month and National Suicide Prevention Week is September 8 -14, 2019 (in the United States).

Call a friend today and ask them how they are, how they really are. Be there to listen and support them. If you are in need of support, reach out, ask for it, don’t be afraid, you are not alone. Call someone, I promise it helps.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Veterans/Military Crisis Line
1-(800)-273-8255 and press 1

Vet to Vet Assistance 888.777.4443 or ONLINE

Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

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Sisters

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I used to write, all the time.
Poems, journals, songs.
It used to ease my troubled mind.
Ease wounds of the past that spiraled out of control
with each family members passing, the spiral winding.
Pieces of a broken child,
frightened life never reconciled,
and a mother that never had the help she required
or the forgiveness from me that she probably desired.
Secrets that family spoke of in hushed tones,
and some denied out of very existence
in their world of truthful resistance.

I ran away
But not from family
Not from my sister or brother.
Not even from her, our mother
I ran away so someone would run after the broken child who’s wounds wouldn’t heal.
Who’s scars ripped and bled all over easily when that pain was revealed.
Growing up feeling unwanted,
with the screams of yesterdays echoing in my head,
and injuries inflicted hidden from public misled.
I ran because I wanted someone to care that I ran.
A few did, and the others made me out to be evil incarnate
for “leaving” family behind like I had a masterful plan.
Little did you know how little I knew
of what family really was supposed to do.
That hugs didn’t have to hurt.
And words weren’t supposed to belittle and bruise.
It was much later I realized family was a word I misused.

And then it became easy to run.
Others opened arms to be a family to the child with broken dreams.
Most them having been broken and also undone.
Searching for family to heal their wounds too.
As years passed it became harder to try to come home to all of you.
Everyone was family but yet strangers to me.
Little did you know that I’d have a hard time talking to you.
Painfully shy and lost for words, I swear it’s true.
I always hoped you’d fill in the void and seek me out and make me stay,
make hear what you had to say.
We were all broken in all our own little ways
and we all tried to pick our pieces up and mend our souls
to move forward forging our own paths but still un-whole.

What I’ve learned is that we have all grieved not having each other.
Or grieved the family torn apart.
I grieved in my own way missing my sister, my brother.
You in yours, and her in hers
we tried our best to live in some way.
Our parents passed from this life with their own wounds
still wide open and bleeding upon us.
Leaving us to heal and stitch and break wide open.
Time and time again always in motion.
From dust to dust
Now you both have left me,
brother years ago and sister you today.
And the floodgates have opened yet again with rivers of tears I hide away.
Because only we knew, only we were there.
All the years we let be lost to each other.
Of pride or ego or was it something more altogether?
Did we see the reflections of the past when we looked in each others eyes?
Even now the tears well up deep inside.

My brother, we took those wounds and bled all over what we touched.
A chosen few wiped the blood we spilled and stayed.
Giving only love, despite what we shed and let lay.
They healed our wounds and showed us what love was.
Many thought you were the fortunate son.
Because you were the strong of the three.
You ran but revisited often.
Healing what you could and leaving the rest be.
Then retreat back to your home when needed.
I wish more of you had rubbed off on me.
I just ran and ran never knowing how or what to be.
Our sister, she stayed behind wishing the same as I
That someone would call,
would visit, or notice us at all.
She and I never knew how to move on..

Sister, I ache for you, and your loving heart.
You never ran, instead you hid and stayed
but to the rest of the family you never really felt a part.
Your love for your children and their own knew no bounds.
It is there where your broken heart lived,
where you prayed for family healing to be found.
A generation of sadness, tears a common sound.
In the end your life was lived for them,
The children you bore,
the grandma you had become
Not for yourself, but to help them overcome.
My heart is glad we could finally see just each other in our gaze.
Took a long while for us to get past the sadness,
and angers haze.
There’s never enough time though, is there?
I guess post life we’ll have to finish all the repair.

So nephews, what have I learned in all of these years?
What wisdom can I impart to help through all of our tears?
Our Mom, your Grandma, had wounds too, huge ones that bled on us.
That broke us, molded us and shoved us out into the world.
And that blood fell from us and landed on you.
But she needed love and she needed healing too.
So did we and now so do you.
The generations before us need the wounds to close.
as do the generations that have and will follow.
Time to end the cycle that left us all mournful and hollow.

I’m sorry:
To my Father who to this day I still don’t understand
or know for sure your part in the play that was our life.
To me you were a sad bystander who did little to change or take a stand.

To my Mother for learning too late that you were me and I was you.
That you were pregnant late in life at a time when post par-tum was new,
and still misunderstood.
And instead of helping,
others just hushed the incidents away
believed you would somehow be ok.

To my Brother for never telling him nearly enough how much he meant to me.
And that most of my anger and distancing
was just misplaced adolescent jealousy.

To my Sister for leaving her alone in her sadness for far too long.
And not being the sister she needed to stay strong.

To my family for needing to heal and grow
before being emotionally able to finally come home.
It wasn’t really ever any of you.
It was me not knowing how to heal or pick up a phone.
Or how about breathing, or how to forgive.
Or how to seek for you to forgive,
my part in perpetuating a generation
of sadness and pain, even forgetting at times to live.

I miss my family more than words can say.
I miss those who have passed and gone too far away.
My wish is for generations of hard feelings to be mended,
and distance between us all be transcended.
If for no other reason, then at least for the children who remain grieving,
upon the tear swept day of my sisters leaving.

Let’s not let the generations that follow,
become as empty, nor as hollow.
We’ve suffered silently apart to long
not letting the sorrows of the past be gone.
Let’s let her legacy
and that of our brother,
Be of healing and helping
one another.

Your Aunt, your cousin, your great aunt, your great cousin, and always your family…
With all my love,

Suzi

My Sister, Linda
R.I.P. 06/03/19

Cartoons that depict my INFJ personality

Not only am I an INFJ personality type, but I am also highly Empathic and borderline HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). I am a true INFJ and a hold all the traits of an Empath but can also show moments of HSP depending on what I’m going through in life. I ran across these on Introvert Dear. They had a total of 24, but these are the ones that completely resonated with me. The others seemed to be an incomplete representation of me so I left the others out. But if you’d like to read the article in its entirety, head over to 24 Cartoons That Will Deeply Resonate With Introverts (Especially INFJs) to read on!

Unfortunately, sometimes even those closest to you don’t “get” your need for alone time.

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If you’re an INFJ (or similar introverted personality type), you read others well and intuitively understand the things that go unspoken.

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Underneath your calm exterior is a rich, emotional world.

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And you don’t let just anybody into your life.

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You live to connect intimately with others.

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Because you do care — intensely — even when others don’t see that.

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Want more cartoons? Check out Aaron’s book, Text, Don’t Call: An Illustrated Guide to the Introverted Life.

Barnegat Light

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Located on the north end of Long Beach Island, Barnegat Light is one of the most unique places on our island. It’s know for it’s quaint and peaceful environment, Barnegat Light has the widest beaches on LBI, and is one of the busiest commercial seafood ports on the East Coast, and the Barnegat Lighthouse State Park is a very popular tourist attraction. If you are looking for some peace and quiet, wide streets to bicycle on, and beaches with open space, Barnegat Light is a must-see when you’re at the Jersey Shore!

Hubby and I are planning to do the Full Moon Lighthouse Climb here in September!
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Learn More About Barnegat Light

 

Movie Review

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Date night last night, took a break from Loki watch since he’s doing so much better. Decided on the latest John Wick movie. We kind of wished we had chosen something else to go see. In some ways the movie was excellent for it’s genre and reputation. But in other ways this movie seemed to lose all sense of worthy characters and dialog. 
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Let’s start with, I loved the first movie in the series and really liked the second one even though the level of violence reaches my max that I can usually handle in a movie.
 
But this chapter made me feel they are losing sight of making this anything more than an outlet for those who like action movie filled with fabulously filmed fight scenes. So for that I give Parabellum credit. The action scenes are choreographed with skill as the characters move through sometimes beautiful, some times gritty backdrops. The dogs in this movie are trained actors and actresses no less than any of the humans. And Halle Berry moved through the scenes with her canine costars like it was a dance. 
There are a wealth of juicy characters that scream to give more to the audience. And both my and my hubby wanted to know more about these brutal but complex assassins. Where did they come from, how did they get where they were now. What is their story????? But alas, we don’t ever get that deep and somehow I doubt we ever will. Instead it will be just a sad slow decent into oblivion of interesting characters. 
And dialog? I rarely remember Keanu actually having many lines. As John Wick he never really was a big talker but Parabellum he had fewer. In actuality no one had much to say. This movie was 3 fight sequences strung together by a couple paragraphs of dialog, most of which are the ones Halle Berry is in. 
The movie actually made me sad. There are characters like Sofia, The Bowery King, Zero, The Adjudicator, Charon, The Director, The Elder, The Librarian, Berrada, and even the Operator; all of which I would love to know their story. So as far as casting and characters, this movie is excellent. Just short on giving you the goods. And if you love action, like fight scenes, this movie is for you. If you want a story line with substance but that never goes deeper, this is your baby. 
But if you want more substance, wait for this to come to a cheaper theater or wait for it to come to streaming or dvd. We’ve already decided we won’t spend the extra cash to go see a John Wick 4.
My rating?
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Empathic?

em·path·ic
/emˈpaTHik/
adjective
showing an ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
“an attentive, empathic listener”

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“One of the main problems for Empaths is the lack of transparency and honesty in the world and the consequent resentment of having to process all the energy that is not in full view. Of course lots of of these sensitive beings struggle also with things that are in full view too.” ~ Openhand

♻️ This could not be more true for me, but I would change the word resentment to experience or something more compassionate in nature.

 

 

 


ARE YOU AN EMPATH?

  • Can you sense others emotions easily before even speaking with them?

  • You have the ability to sense their reactions to life. Even sensing where they are going wrong or when they are on the right path?

  • You choose who to surround yourself with very carefully, you almost know in an instant if friendship can be between the two of you? Yet you are also drawn to people who are in need of fixing and need time away from them to recharge?

  • Strangers seem to trust you easily and people are at ease telling you things they would only tell those they’ve known a long time?

  • You get ‘premonitions’ or ‘visions’ of others, things that can help them?

  • Do you take on others pain? Do you start to feel sad or heavy when you meet someone before they’ve even talked to you, then found out they themselves are very sad or in pain?

  • You may have been called a ‘know-it-all’? Do some get uncomfortable with you when you tell them what you ‘feel’ or ‘know’?

  • You are very in tune with animals? Feel a nurturing pull to protect them all?

  • You feel the sadness, stress or burden of the world and the harm humanity has caused through war, pollution, etc…?

  • Do you feel the urge to champion to those who cannot speak for themselves, like children or the underdogs/rejected of the world?

  • You’ve never really felt a sense of belonging, even in your own family, and even when nothing has caused you to feel that disconnect?

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I’ve felt this way my whole life. I always know when people are lying. I always know when people are hurting. I always know when something is off with people. Sometimes this can be painful and difficult to maneuver through life. Normal pleasantries you have with new acquaintances are difficult for me. Since I usually know if your being truthful, I also know if you really aren’t all that into knowing me, or if you have a bias towards me. Most people go through life fairly oblivious to the subtleties that to me are more like gigantic stop signs or caution lights.

Clairsentience, which means clear sensing, is the ability to feel the present, past or future physical and emotional states of others, without the use of the normal five senses. Psychics who are clairsentient are able to retrieve information from houses, public buildings and outside areas. ~ The Psychic Library 

Over the years I realized I am developing into a clairsentient, which is a heightened state of being and empath with a touch of psychic ability? I don’t know, I always felt perhaps I should be a detective or a profiler (aka forensic psychologist), I know I would be really good with this odd skill set. I was always told I was overly sensitive as a child, but never felt this was true. I was always calm when I spoke of things and it came from what I thought was reason and logic. Crowds can bother me if I’m not grounded well. Because I sense to much at once. But once I ground (hug a tree, earth my feet, or wear grounding jewelry), I’m perfectly fine. My perception has always been heightened and I tend to see/feel things with more precision than others do. And I know that some people, when I meet them, or even just pass them by somewhere, give off a dark energy that makes me physically ill. And my ‘knowing’ things actually some times manifests physically, like goose bumps. Of course there are a zillion variables that affect that ‘sense’, including, when I choose to ignore the feeling. 

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An empath reads body language, tone of voice, body movements, the words people choose when they speak, the words they avoid, the logic they use and the hidden things that only an empath can sense inside another person. And yes it’s very much a skill a forensic psychologist can utilize.

I’m also an INFJ-A personality type which one of the qualities is:
Insightful – Seeing through dishonesty and disingenuous motives, Advocates step past manipulation and sales tactics and into a more honest discussion. Advocate personalities see how people and events are connected, and are able to use that insight to get to the heart of the matter.

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I don’t know. I wrote this because I’m trying to live my life in a more authentic way. But as I see this I wonder, maybe I do need to consider a career field where these abilities can be used to better the world in some way. Another thought to ponder. But it’s getting late and I’m sleepy….

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Do you feel you may be an empath? Here are some additional writings to check out:
I’m An Empath + I Feel EVERYTHING. Here’s What It’s Really Like
Feel to Live: The Secret Life of an Empath
16 Personalities
The Life Of An Empath

Tag Me Tuesday

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Tag found on Starring Pamela so if you want to check that pin out, I’ll link it here.
Happy #BirthMay Pamela!!

20 Questions Blog Survey – Get to Know Me Better

1. Do you have any nicknames?

I did and I do. I used to be called gypsy. At the time that was what I went by anonymously on social media and it was my site identity for an old website I had. My family knows me as Suzi and when I used to write poetry I went by Suzen (which I have since started to pick back up again). Even considering a legal name change. But the nickname I’ve had the longest and the one some still know and call me by is Angel.

2. Are you named after anyone?

Not anyone. But I was named after a song that my Great Aunt loved called Susie Q. My Great Aunt Nany (Nancy) was more like my Grandmother than an Aunt. My Grandmother (Dads side) died very young and I never knew her and my Dads Aunt Nancy stepped up and took on the role.

3. Do you have any siblings?

Brother and sister, one of each.

4. Where did you grow up?

The suburbs of the Cleveland Ohio area.

5. What activities did you do in high school?

Hmmm. My first year of high school was the absolute worst. Once I settled in I was a rebellious cheer leader. I was the anti-cheerleader because I never fit into any of the norms of being a cheerleader lol. In my own quiet way I stood up for all the square pegs that didn’t fit into the round holes.

6. Where did you go to college?

I did not. Classroom education as in lectures and sitting for hours listening to someone talk was never a great learning experience for me. That’s changed over time, but I never had any real interest in college. Learning and education, yes, but college not so much.

7. What activities did you do in college?

N/A

8. What did you study in college?

N/A

9. What was your first job out of college?

N/A

10. What kind of music do you like?

I like a lot of different genre. I’m not a fan of country music at all. I don’t really listen to folk either. It all sounds like the same song to me. And I don’t delve too deep into rap. But I listen to everything from EDM to pop, r&b, metal, reggae, symphonic metal, ambient (meditation type music), house/trance and a bit of blues. I can appreciate opera and I like some musical theater.

11. What’s one hobby that you’d like to take up?

I plan to hike more than I have been. I’m hoping to take up violin soon and I would love to get back to pottery. I’ve been dabbling with learning Tibetan bowls lately.

12. What did you think you wanted to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a songwriter. I used to write a lot of poetry that was written like song material. But I think I’ve since found different outlets for the emotions that writing soothed because i haven’t been inspired to write like that for a long time.

13. What’s the biggest project on your to-do list?

Career changes for sure. My Reiki certifications I feel are just the beginning of a holistic therapy focus in my life. I’m looking into coordinating fields of education. I had also been thinking of heading back to school to become a vet tech but I worry that doing that job would be too heavy for me emotionally on a day to day basis. And I’m still thinking of studying something along the lines of nutrition. Now it’s all a case of narrowing the focus and making a plan of action for career changing.

14. Do you have an irrational fears?

Yeah. I’m terrified of fake haunted houses that they set up at Halloween, but I have no fear when it comes to real ones lol. I’m also a huge ocean lover that still can’t swim. Why? Because I’m scared of drowning. I know, I know, it makes zero sense. Which is why this is the year I am conquering that!

15. Have you ever traveled outside the country? If so, where?

Canada is as far as I’ve been. But planning is always on the agenda!

16. When’s your next vacation and where are you going?

Next planned vacations aren’t really vacations. We are planning a trip to Ohio to visit family and a trip back to Virginia to see our friends back there. We are planning a short trip to Maryland (a weekender) and are loosely planning weekend trips to New York City and Philadelphia PA. But at the moment no long or faraway trips are in the planning stages for this year.

17. Do you speak any other languages?

Not yet 😉

18. What’s one talent that you wish you had?

I wish I could play an instrument!! I also want to learn Tai Chi or or Qigong.

19. What’s something that you wish you could do one more time?

I would love to go back and explore more of Canada. And I want to go back to Colorado with the hubby!

20. If you weren’t in your current job, what would you want to be doing?

That list is long…
nutritionist
vet tech
massage therapist
life coach
counselor/therapist
coffee shop owner
holistic healthcare practitioner
(multiple areas of focus for overall mind/body healthcare)
holistic business owner
aromatherapist

So that’s my 20 Questions to Get to Know Me Better tag! Let me know if you do this tag since I’d love to read it!!

Thanks for reading!

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Loki Moment

 

This is rare, all of this. Loki isn’t a window kitty, that was always Tinka Belle’s thing. And Loki is notoriously bad at self cleaning but Tinka Belle was meticulous. They were like ying and yang, two sides of a coin. It seems that Tinka Belle is not only letting her presence still be known, but also SEEN. 

Thank you my little Belle for helping your brother stay clean. We miss her so much, and so her presence is a comfort, especially for him. He’s been kind of lost without her.

On a brighter note, Loki’s medication was cut in half and so far he’s not doing too bad. He’s not cured, he will always have IBS issues, but he’s alive, happy and thriving right now. Our hearts are grateful for every day we get to spend with this silly boy❣