Sisters

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I used to write, all the time.
Poems, journals, songs.
It used to ease my troubled mind.
Ease wounds of the past that spiraled out of control
with each family members passing, the spiral winding.
Pieces of a broken child,
frightened life never reconciled,
and a mother that never had the help she required
or the forgiveness from me that she probably desired.
Secrets that family spoke of in hushed tones,
and some denied out of very existence
in their world of truthful resistance.

I ran away
But not from family
Not from my sister or brother.
Not even from her, our mother
I ran away so someone would run after the broken child who’s wounds wouldn’t heal.
Who’s scars ripped and bled all over easily when that pain was revealed.
Growing up feeling unwanted,
with the screams of yesterdays echoing in my head,
and injuries inflicted hidden from public misled.
I ran because I wanted someone to care that I ran.
A few did, and the others made me out to be evil incarnate
for “leaving” family behind like I had a masterful plan.
Little did you know how little I knew
of what family really was supposed to do.
That hugs didn’t have to hurt.
And words weren’t supposed to belittle and bruise.
It was much later I realized family was a word I misused.

And then it became easy to run.
Others opened arms to be a family to the child with broken dreams.
Most them having been broken and also undone.
Searching for family to heal their wounds too.
As years passed it became harder to try to come home to all of you.
Everyone was family but yet strangers to me.
Little did you know that I’d have a hard time talking to you.
Painfully shy and lost for words, I swear it’s true.
I always hoped you’d fill in the void and seek me out and make me stay,
make hear what you had to say.
We were all broken in all our own little ways
and we all tried to pick our pieces up and mend our souls
to move forward forging our own paths but still un-whole.

What I’ve learned is that we have all grieved not having each other.
Or grieved the family torn apart.
I grieved in my own way missing my sister, my brother.
You in yours, and her in hers
we tried our best to live in some way.
Our parents passed from this life with their own wounds
still wide open and bleeding upon us.
Leaving us to heal and stitch and break wide open.
Time and time again always in motion.
From dust to dust
Now you both have left me,
brother years ago and sister you today.
And the floodgates have opened yet again with rivers of tears I hide away.
Because only we knew, only we were there.
All the years we let be lost to each other.
Of pride or ego or was it something more altogether?
Did we see the reflections of the past when we looked in each others eyes?
Even now the tears well up deep inside.

My brother, we took those wounds and bled all over what we touched.
A chosen few wiped the blood we spilled and stayed.
Giving only love, despite what we shed and let lay.
They healed our wounds and showed us what love was.
Many thought you were the fortunate son.
Because you were the strong of the three.
You ran but revisited often.
Healing what you could and leaving the rest be.
Then retreat back to your home when needed.
I wish more of you had rubbed off on me.
I just ran and ran never knowing how or what to be.
Our sister, she stayed behind wishing the same as I
That someone would call,
would visit, or notice us at all.
She and I never knew how to move on..

Sister, I ache for you, and your loving heart.
You never ran, instead you hid and stayed
but to the rest of the family you never really felt a part.
Your love for your children and their own knew no bounds.
It is there where your broken heart lived,
where you prayed for family healing to be found.
A generation of sadness, tears a common sound.
In the end your life was lived for them,
The children you bore,
the grandma you had become
Not for yourself, but to help them overcome.
My heart is glad we could finally see just each other in our gaze.
Took a long while for us to get past the sadness,
and angers haze.
There’s never enough time though, is there?
I guess post life we’ll have to finish all the repair.

So nephews, what have I learned in all of these years?
What wisdom can I impart to help through all of our tears?
Our Mom, your Grandma, had wounds too, huge ones that bled on us.
That broke us, molded us and shoved us out into the world.
And that blood fell from us and landed on you.
But she needed love and she needed healing too.
So did we and now so do you.
The generations before us need the wounds to close.
as do the generations that have and will follow.
Time to end the cycle that left us all mournful and hollow.

I’m sorry:
To my Father who to this day I still don’t understand
or know for sure your part in the play that was our life.
To me you were a sad bystander who did little to change or take a stand.

To my Mother for learning too late that you were me and I was you.
That you were pregnant late in life at a time when post par-tum was new,
and still misunderstood.
And instead of helping,
others just hushed the incidents away
believed you would somehow be ok.

To my Brother for never telling him nearly enough how much he meant to me.
And that most of my anger and distancing
was just misplaced adolescent jealousy.

To my Sister for leaving her alone in her sadness for far too long.
And not being the sister she needed to stay strong.

To my family for needing to heal and grow
before being emotionally able to finally come home.
It wasn’t really ever any of you.
It was me not knowing how to heal or pick up a phone.
Or how about breathing, or how to forgive.
Or how to seek for you to forgive,
my part in perpetuating a generation
of sadness and pain, even forgetting at times to live.

I miss my family more than words can say.
I miss those who have passed and gone too far away.
My wish is for generations of hard feelings to be mended,
and distance between us all be transcended.
If for no other reason, then at least for the children who remain grieving,
upon the tear swept day of my sisters leaving.

Let’s not let the generations that follow,
become as empty, nor as hollow.
We’ve suffered silently apart to long
not letting the sorrows of the past be gone.
Let’s let her legacy
and that of our brother,
Be of healing and helping
one another.

Your Aunt, your cousin, your great aunt, your great cousin, and always your family…
With all my love,

Suzi

My Sister, Linda
R.I.P. 06/03/19

Loki Update…

Blood test showed his liver and gallbladder levels are up. There are a couple reasons this could be.
1. He stopped eating because he has a bit of infection somewhere. Maybe even urinary. When cats stop eating for a couple days it’s hard for them to bounce back. When a cat stops eating and rapid weight loss starts, protein supplies are soon exhausted and the liver becomes overwhelmed by all the fat. This results in a condition known as hepatic lipidosis, which can lead to liver failure. Bottom line, whatever illness big or small, when cats stop eating their bodies begin using their fat supply which makes them think they don’t need food. And so whatever illness they are fighting gets compounded by them not eating. 
2. Or, he may have cancer or another more serious issue.

Either way,  the way the blood panel read,  his nausea and not eating is not likely being caused by his ibd meds (prednisone). In the long run, that’s good because he may need to stay on a small dosage to control his advanced ibd. 

So his antibiotics he got on Tuesday will last in his system 2 weeks. We now have to get him to continue eating. If it’s just an infection he needs his strength to get better. So last night he started anti nausea meds and an appetite stimulant (cream on his ear). He seems to be improving quickly. It has to continue to improve, none of us want to deal with option #2.

His behavior has us hopeful. The video below was yesterday afternoon. Last night he continued to eat and was alert and drinking water. Same this morning. 

Tears – Fears – Endings – And – Spoilers

So far 2019 just hurts a whole lot for many reasons. I continue to try to keep my thoughts positive but some days it’s just damn hard.

Losing Tinka Belle was damn hard.
I’m not good with endings.

Thursday
Loki decided eating was no longer his thing.
And instead of being attached at the hip to Keith and I he started staying in the closets.
This was Tinka’s thing.
But we hoped he was just having an off day, cats do that and he is weaning off prednisone and that can cause a sick tummy.

Saturday
He’s not eating at all. The vet wants us to start a more rapid weaning off the prednisone. But, he still won’t touch his food, so we wait, and hope. Maybe he will get hungry enough.

Sunday
He ate a bit and was acting more like himself. He was out of the closet and hanging out with us.

Monday
He was back in the closet
Not eating
And now, not drinking water either.
Called the vet with the update but his vet was gone for the day. I told them I would call in the morning, hopefully he would come out to eat.

Monday Night
I started forcing bits of water into him.
Still not eating

Tuesday
As of this morning our Loki still isn’t eating or drinking.
Called the vet with an update, waiting to hear back…

Keith and I were married in 2007 and since that date we have had 5 furbabies cross that rainbow bridge. Loki is who is still here, only Loki. He will likely have to go in to the vet today for tests. My heart is breaking into a million pieces right now. I feel kicked in the gut. Keith is our rock but I know this is tearing him up. That’s the only update I have on our boy for now.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers 💞
Did I say, I’m not good with endings?

Because I’m incredibly sad and scared and looking for anything to distract my thoughts, I thought I’d turn to other things that are bugging me right now. Other endings that everyone else is giving their two cents on, so I may as well distract myself while I wait for the vet to call. Besides, these endings don’t hurt because they are only make believe. Right now I need a dose of make believe.

Avengers Endgame
Game Of Thrones
Both left me empty..
Spoilers below.
Hopefully everyone who wants to see the show and movie, has by now. But if you didn’t you may not want to read any further….

 

 

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Avengers Endgame

☹️ I know she has a stand alone movie coming, but is Scarlett Johansson really gone? I hope not. If she is then I hope Wasp gets a leadership role.
☹️ Speaking of Scar Jo, why didn’t SHE get a funeral????
☹️ Spiderman and the class being back in high school, why? Lalala, we will act like 5 years hasn’t passed. Time travel causes so many unresolved issues.
☹️ If Captain America going back in time replaced his time line then wouldn’t everything Captain America did in his original timeline be changed?? This is what happens when you play with time in a movie, plot holes.
☹️ I still don’t like Brie Larson in the role of Captain Marvel.
☹️ I guess I wasn’t ready for the end of an era for the Avengers. But it is isn’t it?
☹️ Ending left me on empty


Game Of Thrones

☹️ Simply because the last two seasons the character development was rushed which made the ending seem shallow and choices made in the end seem weird. The same care wasn’t given to the scripts compared to the other seasons and it showed and we as an audience felt it.
☹️ Jamie’s redemption arc was pointless
☹️ I’m surprised so many people were surprised by Dany’s outcome and decisions. She’s always had ruthlessness in her veins. She was following this path since season 4 if not before that.
☹️ Tyrion and Arya were exquisite characters.
☹️ Speaking of exquisite as a character, so was Cersei but she was barely used in the last two seasons other than to stand around. What’s up with that?☹️ I get why Bran was chosen as King, but the way it was done was weird. Tyrion giving a speech is always amazing but the whole elven council/LOTR looking entourage was just silly.
☹️Left me on empty

Are you a Marvel or GOT fan? What did you think of the endings?

I’m eager for a new season of Westworld next year! But I no longer trust long running series shows/movie plot lines to do right by them in the end. We are going to try out some other shows on HBO so HBO will seem worth our money. Some haven’t evencome out yet but we plan to give these a try…
Watchmen
Chernobyl
His Dark Materials
The Nevers
I Know This Much Is True

We are big Marvel fans and the tv shows are gone now. Other than survivor, the amazing race and westworld, we watch supernatural(😢), blacklist, stranger things, john oliver, agents of shield, ncis, star trek discovery, the voice, and law and order.

Looking for something new to watch.
Recommend some shows below ⬇️ for us to watch ❤

ps…I can’t stand sappy stuff like, “This Is Us”. I don’t even watch too many “chick flicks” because I hate sappy stuff 🤔

As I finished writing this up I got the call back from the vet. Loki is going to the vet today. He is having blood work done. Vet said it still could be the prednisone, blood test will rule other stuff out. They can give him stuff for his tummy IF it’s just prednisone withdrawal. Could also be his kidney’s/liver. Prednisone is harsh on organs.

Loki Moment

 

This is rare, all of this. Loki isn’t a window kitty, that was always Tinka Belle’s thing. And Loki is notoriously bad at self cleaning but Tinka Belle was meticulous. They were like ying and yang, two sides of a coin. It seems that Tinka Belle is not only letting her presence still be known, but also SEEN. 

Thank you my little Belle for helping your brother stay clean. We miss her so much, and so her presence is a comfort, especially for him. He’s been kind of lost without her.

On a brighter note, Loki’s medication was cut in half and so far he’s not doing too bad. He’s not cured, he will always have IBS issues, but he’s alive, happy and thriving right now. Our hearts are grateful for every day we get to spend with this silly boy❣

 

 

 

 

Today – Part II – And the Sky Cried

After we went shopping, we drove to pick up Tinka Belles’ ashes in a torrential downpour and Tornado watches were in affect for our area (and still are till 9pm).

But the minute we pulled into the vets parking lot, the rain stopped (the first two pictures). As we walked out with Tinkas’ ashes another downpour hit hard. Lightening, thunder, quickly flooding areas (next two pictures).

I always knew Tinka Belle was a thunderstorm. At one time I even wished I had named her storm (yes after the marvel character)….

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Through the wind, the rain and thunder and lightening, Not to mention tornado watches. Tinka Belle is finally back home with us 

Stafford Veterinary and Abbey Glen Pet Memorial Services did right by us. We forgot to ask if they did a pawprint memorial. Well we have pawprints and fur. I was overwhelmed with emotions and gratitude for the care they gave us and our Tinka 

Today has been 

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Today – Part 1

The day started out with cappucino, misty rain and some peaceful moments by the bay in Beach Haven on Long Beach Island (New Jersey). It was so pretty and so quiet, could have stayed all day just watching the clouds, the seagulls, and the gentle waves. I knew it would be an emotional day, we were heading to pick Tinkas’ ashes up later in the day. I really needed this moment where time just stood still. 

Then we drove out to Medford New Jersey to check out a little boutique called The Mystical Blossoms which had handmade soaps, roll on oils, etc… The street was so pretty there! The shop was cute too. Storm clouds were rolling in though and the sky was getting darker and we knew we had to head to the grocery store before heading to the vet so we didn’t stay long…..

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The Coffee Bouteaque

 

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Inside the coffee shop

 

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Clouds

 

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Sunshine & Shades

 

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Meet the hubby ↗

 

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Farmhouse on Tuckerton Bay

 

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Tuckerton Bay

 

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Tuckerton Bay

 

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Mystical Blossoms
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Medford New Jersey

 

 

 

Loki & Adjusting

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Some updates on Loki and adjusting;
A month later and finally seeing some hair growing back on his belly that they had shaved for his ultrasound. Pore guy will be dealing with IBD symptoms on and off forever. But he’s doing sooooo much better. He still, days later looks for Tinka Belle, he keeps thinking she’s in one of her hiding spots that he’s just never been graceful enough to enter. He sits and stares sometimes and I wonder if he sees her on the other side.
 
The apartment is a lot quieter with only one furbaby here now. I personally have NEVER in my life had less than 3 furkids at a time. I personally have said farewell in one way or another to 13 cats (including a mama cat who was picked up off the street in a blizzard, to have birth at my feet in the car), 3 dogs (two from childhood), 1 parakeet (from childhood), 1 iguana, and 3 angel fish.
 
We want to adopt a puppy, we’ve wanted to for a while now, but a we both agree Loki + puppy while Loki is trying to stabilize from serious chronic IBS is just not healthy for him.
 
Soooo, we decided, for now at least that Loki’s gonna be an only child a while. Loki’s always wanted to be in the spotlight with us. He’s always competed and would get super moody when others got attention.Our middle aged little man, awkward, clumsy, emotional, will now be spoiled rotten, heal and be taken with us on some adventures!
❤️
🐾❤️

xoxoe

©S.Halloran-runningtozen.org

Wild & Free

Tink

Last night we made the very painful decision to let our Tinka Belle cross the rainbow bridge. Her breast cancer had returned with a vengeance. It swiftly and aggressively took hold of her. It moved so fast there was nothing any medicine or treatment could do. Not even to slow it down. It was the hardest decision, but right decisions are not always the easy ones. She was always a proud, dignified and independent girl. Living in a cone and in a cancer riddled body, being forced medications, unable to eat and under supervision on and off every day for almost 2 months, while tumors grew in size and number and seeped blood, was not life for her. She was broken and beaten by a viscous unrelenting disease. CANCER SUCKS!

When we came outside to the car after the vet, this incredible sunset was in front of us. We watched as the sun set and the full moon rose. And I began the missing of her. 

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My heart is broken into a million little pieces again, as it does whenever one of our furbabies transition ahead of us. 

I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH
SPAY and NEUTER your furkids.

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A study at Brown University on spay and neutering reported:
“In males, neutering decreases the chances of developing prostatic disease and hernias, and eliminates the chances of developing testicular cancer. It also reduces problems with territorial and sexual aggression, inappropriate urination (spraying) and other undesirable male behaviors.

 

In Females, spaying decreases the incidence of breast cancer (the rate goes down to almost zero if the spaying is done before the first heat cycle!). It eliminates the chance of developing a serious and potentially fatal infection of the uterus experienced by many mature unspayed animals (pyometra). Spay surgery also eliminates the heat cycle and associated mood swings and undesirable behaviors, messy spotting (in dogs) and the attraction of all available males to your yard.”

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FACTS
Over 90 percent of feline mammary tumors are malignant, meaning they grow in an invasive fashion and spread to distant sites in the body. This is in contrast to dogs, where only about 50 percent of mammary tumors are malignant.
Tumors tend to affect older, unspayed female cats, but all cats, including males, are at risk.
 
The age at which a female cat is neutered plays a role in protecting against tumor development, with the greatest benefit seen for kittens spayed before 6 months of age, who have a 91 percent reduction in risk compared to non-spayed cats. Spaying between six months and one-year results in an 86 percent reduction in risk, spaying between 1-2 years leads to an 11 percent reduction in risk, and spaying after age two does not reduce the risk of mammary cancer development at all.
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Now I try and keep busy the rest of the day. Tonight I’m participating in a Full Moon Release Meditation & Drum Circle. By my heart is broken. I’ve always adopted old, broken, unwanted furbabies and although it fills me with gratitude and a full heart when I do, this is a part of that. The letting go. She needed me to be strong for her, so I was. 
I will forever miss her head boops, her independent & proud nature, and the fact that no matter how long she had lived off the streets she never let us completely tame her. I always knew she was a child of the moon, now she truly is wild and free again, gone but never really gone. 

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Capturing memories 

😻“Mom took my cone off so I could feel normal for a minute and do my water drinking thing. Yeah this is how I drink my water” 😼

Her condition isn’t any better. Still no solid answer. Another vet appointment coming in the next few days since her cocktail of meds (prednisone and basically amoxicillin)to get the infection under control and reduce inflammation are almost done. We now wait to see what our next steps could be to further a diagnosis along.

But her health is failing. She is now noticeably losing weight from not eating much, albeit slowly. She is in a cone almost 24/7 other than moments like this or meds time because she wants to lick for days to get out, stop whatever the lump is. Her lumps get lesions that bleed and hurt. She is cleaned with surgical scrub twice a day and slathered with neosporin. She is miserable. She is a dignified, proud, independent little lady who is now restricted, supervised and just wore down.

Hopefully we can get the skin biopsy done asap now and see where we stand. Keep the thoughts, prayers and healing coming her way. She is a little fighter 😼